Are you talking to me? Hey, you're looking over here right? Alright, LowPriceJoe is new to the Internet. I got tired of seeing all of those impersonal web site schmucks selling electronic goods with no heart, no soul and most importantly no customer service. And since I cut a new deal with the Feds I couldn't go back to the old life, and don't believe what you see in the movies, there's no big pay off.
I love electronics, ever since I was a little kid. Hey, ever make a fox hole radio out of a safety pin, pencil lead and a razor blade? Anyways, I look at these other guys sellin' electronic goods and I am thinkin', these guys are robbin' people without a gun, and people don't even know they're being robbed. No customer service, showing stuff that's not in stock, those guys should go to jail!
So I decided to start another family business. I put the squeeze on the wholesalers so you don't have to. We are 100% legit, this is better than the garbage business. Hey no diggin' around for a phone number with me. When you call, a real human being answers, it could be my cousin Johnny Muscles (on account of him, you know...havin' muscles), my Sister-In-Law Tats Fowler (man does she have a lot of tattoos, kind of like the painted lady at the carnival!), our very own Saint, Mother Theresa, Spiderman Nate and don't forget Flash. We are a great crew, and we go the extra mile for you.
Oh, and unlike those other schmucks when you send us an email we actually answer you sometime in this century!
2. What happens if I want to return an Item I purchased?
We all make a mistake, think we want something, then realize oh jeez this is turning out to be all wrong, kind of like my first marriage, and we are left with nothing but the clothes on our backs, big alimony payments and some %%$$#& lawyer saying you owe him more money. Listen at LowPriceJoe we have a 30 day unconditional money back guarantee. If you can't get it right within thirty days, then I am sorry I can't help you. All you do is pay to ship it back to me. No restocking fee, no waiting for your refund until the next ice age. Just call, and we will take care of it from there. Now you need to return the item with all of it's original packaging, manuals etc. You know what I mean, and no messin' about! If you want to know more go to the Terms & Conditions page.
The bottom line is, we are here to help you make the right choice before you buy. What you got to ask yourself is; what is it I really need and what do I want it to do, and what will I use it for? If you have any questions, pick up the phone and dial our toll free number. We will guide you through the product, give you comparisons and make recommendations based on your needs and pocket book. Because if you purchase the right item, you'll enjoy it and like it, why would you return it?
Try getting that anywhere else!
3. How will you ship my purchase?
Everything you buy is shipped using the shipping method you choose. Everything is shipped insured, which is a good thing since one of our shippers (who I will not name) recently "lost" a 130 pound 42 Inch Flat Panel Television. This unit literally fell off the back of a truck, know what I mean. What happened to the days, when they just swiped the whole truck, at least you knew where you stood. "Hey someone swiped the whole truck, here's your dough", instead of "gee we don't know where it is let's put a trace on it", yeah, like we're tracking nukes here. Anyway, no worries, we immediately shipped the customer a replacement unit, made a claim with the shipper, and now you've got two new happy customers comfortably watching a Brand New HDTV from the comfort of their Barcolounger. Hey, who said working working for Fed Ex didn't have its privileges.
4. How does your Free Two Year Warranty work?
I don't know, it's like askin' me about the inner workings of a nuclear reactor. All I know is that if it breaks, you call, we fix it, or, replace it, it's that simple. Now the warranty only covers the thing if it stops working because of some kind of failure, if it fell in the tub while you were watching YouTube, that doesn't count, or, "I was using it as a hammer to beat up a guy who owed me money", that doesn't work either. Look, if it legitimatley breaks we fix it. Hey be reasonable.
5. What is the Low Price Guarantee?
I have to explain this? Okay, if you see it cheaper anywhere else and you can actually get it at that price, LowPriceJoe will beat the price or it's Free! Now, watch out, there are a lot of guys doin' the old bait and switch! You search for an item and they have it at an unbelievably low price, but that was last year's model with the smaller screen. Or better still, they come up with the lowest price on one those comparison price websites and you go there and it's either A. Not in Stock or, B. Refurbished, reconditioned as is with no guarantees!
The other day I got an email from a customer on an item at Amazon that was priced slightly less than the LowPriceJoe price, but what he missed was the "Usually ships in One or Two Months"!
Hey listen I can sell anything at a lower price if I don't have it in stock, hey it's free!!!! But we don't have it in stock and we don't do rainchecks!
GUYS LIKE THAT NEED TO SPEND FIVE MINUTES WITH LOUIS THE NOSE, AND HE WON'T BE WORKING ON THEIR NOSES!
Tell you what; I got a flying car, if you buy it today for eighty grand it usually ships in five to ten years.
Look, we either got it, or we don't, if we got it, we sell it and we ship it. If we don't got it, we don't sell it, and we don't ship it. I am trying to go straight here, you guys are driving me crazy, those other websites must have some of the guys from my old crew working for them.
Anyway, if some other schmuck is really selling the same item for less dough and you can really buy it and get it shipped to you within a couple of days, okay I'll beat the price, but then you'll owe me a favor.
1. Who are you Guys?
